MOVIE-ING ALONG
by Drew
Dear Jane,
You're probably wondering why I'm writing to you now, when we agreed to meet at the weekend. Fact is, I'm not all that keen on the movie at the Odeon so I've been thinking we might do something else instead on Saturday. I might have suggested Rovers' cup quarter-final match but you've made it clear on numerous occasions that you have no interest in twenty-two grown men chasing a silly leather ball back and forth across what otherwise could be a nice lawn. We could of course, have an afternoon browsing the shops then go on to the ice hockey after a nice meal in the town but obviously that could be fraught with problems. For one thing, you've often complained that I drag my feet when we're shopping. What's that expression you use? Like a camel with a hernia, chewing on a garlic toffee. You do have such a quaint turn of phrase. Of course I shouldn't really bring up the question of a meal out again, so soon after the night at the Puffing Dragon. That certainly was an unfortunate experience. Still, I'm sure the waiter didn't mean to cause any real damage. Obviously he didn't agree with your comparison of his Peking Duck with your old hiking boots, but the stains in your nice new dress did eventually come out a treat. But you see what I mean about problems? And although I love the ice-hockey I do understand when you say it's like a crowd of bad-tempered schoolboys squabbling in the playground. And you're right, it can be a bit chilly in the ice rink, but seeing as how that's been more or less your usual condition lately I don't really understand why that should set you against the hockey. Mind you, your father does say you're a chip of the old block; like mother, like daughter he says. I'm not sure what kind of block he means though because he once told me he would need an ice-pick to get your mother's attention. But he says she's a wonder in the kitchen. He says she could deep-freeze brussel sprouts between her legs. I think I'm beginning to see where you get your linguistic flair from. But I digress. I did consider a night at the theatre but of course we're banned from there now. I still think it was a bit harsh to ban us just because you voiced a few honest criticisms about the performance. I'm sure the artistes could still have made themselves heard over the top of your complaints if they had really tried. It's not as if your voice is so loud. A bit strident perhaps, with a sort of supercilious inflection but not loud - not really loud.
I hope this doesn't seem as if I'm being in any way critical. Would I dare? How many times have you pointed out the superiority of your intellect compared with my very simple grey matter, stunted as it is with thoughts of football, folk singing, coarse comedians and beer. But I have learned a lot in our time together. For instance, until I met you I never did realise that anyone could be capable of talking for thirty minutes without taking a breath. I dare say you might even have gone on longer had the librarian not interrupted you to say they were closing. Still it is a decent target for the rest of us tongue-tied mortals to aspire to. And what about the barbecue at my birthday party when you insisted on providing your own home-made sausages. I never knew that food-poisoning could develop so quickly and it certainly gave me a personal insight into intensive care. You learn something new everyday! And I'll always remember the impressive way you got my little Fido to stop barking by kicking him sharply in the testicles. I'm sure even Barbara Woodhouse never used that technique. Your resourcefulness is sometimes mindboggling.
I can truly say that our year together has been quite remarkable, amazing even. And I haven't even mentioned your passion for films yet. Having now spent hundreds of hours in cinemas, not to mention hundreds of hours travelling to cinemas, evenings and weekends, rain and shine, summer and winter, I now consider myself a little bit of an aficionado on 'movieland'. And I must agree with you, cinemas are much warmer places than football grandstands or ice rinks. Still, now and again I do find myself hankering for the decadent life I knew before we met so I hope it won't come as too much of a shock if I say that for some time now I've felt a bit like a Dead Man Walking and although I love the Scent of a Woman I don't think our feelings for each other will support us From Here to Eternity. I'm not a Shakespeare in Love, Babe so I'll just have to be a Braveheart and tell you that what we've shared so far is likely to be As Good as it Gets - for us. It may be that we were simply Addicted to Love and somewhere along the line the feelings of a Pretty Woman and a young man who was just Wild at Heart got Lost in Translation. Maybe it didn't help when your mother regularly referred to us as Beauty and the Beast. Whatever the reason, a Sixth Sense tells me that we were never meant to share The Fellowship of the Ring. I'm not going to list Ten Things I Hate about You or object to your constant obsession with being Master and Commander but even if I have to remain Unforgiven in your book I have to say, let's cut the Collateral Damage; let's Escape to Freedom. Don't look for me on Saturday Jane. By that time I'll be Gone with the Wind.
Yours Truly,
John.
[One (who) Flew over the Cuckoo's Nest.]
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