HOME FRONT DIARY
by Joan
Week One
We hadn't been back from church fifteen minutes before fussy Philip from no. 16 was at the door. I needed coffee badly so I invited him in. Big mistake. He was still there an hour later. We would have responded better if we'd ever heard of freddy Flounce-feather or Davy Gladbucket. Those two and the mantra BBC2 drove us gibbering. No. 16 are going to have a living room and garden makeover, whatever that is, and we at no. 18 are supposed to be excited and impressed, and generally be delighted by the reflected glory. "Won't put you out a bit," he kept saying. Why didn't we believe him? Because we've seen some reality TV, that's why.
Monday 16 - Thursday 19 May
Frothing Philip and Bulgy Betty didn't tell us that this ordeal by TV involved two cars, two lorries, a truck and a rpw of bollards. It makes it essential that we leave for work by 7.30am and don't return until 6.30pm. Nor did they warn us about men in singlets and very low slung jeans, a camera crew (ie. two men who look like Laurel and Hardy on speed) - and of course, Freddy (is he real?) and Davy, who needs a haircut and a slimming diet. The Freddy phenomenon has gutted the living room and the Davy fellow has dug up a quite decent lawn, a nice little shrubbery and cut down a lovely lilac tree. Esther has seen Betty over the fence and I have seen Philip from the upstairs window. Both look catatonic.
Friday 20 May
Have decided to go to Mum and Dad's for the weekend. Set off very early. Philip and Betty are now known as the Asylum Seekers so flight is essential. We try not to see two white faces at the window.
Week Two
Sunday 22 May
Arrived home late, but not too late to be trapped by both the Smiths and forced to see at least 30000 photographs of 'the team'. The garden looks as though equipment used to put up a North Sea oil rig has been dumped there. The living room is to have one red wall, one green and two blue. The ceiling will be black. Esther and I do not look at one another, but we both make very convincing noises of interest and appreciation.
Monday 23 - Thursday 26 May
Daily we leave early, return late, but still do not avoid hordes of spectators, some of whom try to get into our garden in order to look over our fence. The BBC or the criminal gang who comprise Home Front will pay, of that I'm determined. Esther thinks blood, not money, is required.
Friday Night 27 May
Off to Esther's parents this weekend. We see there videos of previous Home Front vandalsim, and are treated for shock with lots of strong drink. We look forward to the clatter of feet on decking, light pollution all night from solar lamps, noise from garden parties May to September, or maybe longer; they seem to have outdoor heating. We play a word game to come up with the best comments. 'Redolent with Pretension' and 'The Ultimate Puke Sensation' were the least offensive.
Week 3
Sunday 29 May
We give a party of our own and debate the following questions:
1) Why would any TV channel pay good money to screen such programmes?
2) Why would apparently sane people submit themselves to chaos and humiliation?
3) How soon will people forget what happened in this nice quiet suburb?
4) And how soon after that can we put our house on the matket?
5) When we are invited around for the unveiling, what can we say that comes within a thousand miles of the truth, doesn't hurt the poor Smiths and doesn't face us with hysterical laughter?
June 2
The unveiling takes place. Ten of us neighbours are invited. Philip and Betty, their assorted grown-up offspring and a vast number, seem to be delighted now with what they rightly call 'The Transformation', so we behave ourselves well and tell them lots of lies and give them flowers and wine. I'm still nor sure if FFF isn't a plastic wind-up toy and if the Davy character isn't a malignant out-of-work actor. We're going to avoid all TV channels for the next six months and have a soothing dose of rented horror films instead.
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